Shaved by the Bell/Transcript
[Sydney arrives home from school with Olive. They're looking at their cell phones.] Sydney: You get one yet? Olive: No. You? Sydney: No. So we don't get invited to the party. Big deal. We're fascinating people! We have rich, interesting lives. Olive: I'll keep checking. Sydney: Hit refesh! Hit refresh! [Max comes in] Max: Hi, girls. Sydney: Hey, Dad. Olive: Hi, Mr. Reynolds. Max: So how was school? What'd you learn today? Sydney: That Laura Wagmeister's having the first party of the year. Max: Boy, the curriculum's changed since my day. Sydney: Dad, this is serious. Olive and I haven't been invited yet, and this party sets the tone for the whole year. If we don't get seen at this one, we won't be invited to the next... or the next. Olive: I can see it already. We're going to Prom as each other's dates. Max: I get it. You don't want to miss out. The inside jokes. The new dances. Special moments that can never be recaptured. Sydney: Hurtful road, Dad. Max: What I'm trying to say is, I know this seems like do or die right now, but as you get older, things like getting invited to parties become less important. Judy: from the stairs What's up, fam? Guess who just got invited to her first music festival? I'll give you a hint. It's not the old dude. Sydney: You're so cool, Grandma. Olive: Yeah, you look awesome. Judy: Thanks, Noodle, and Noodle's bestie. My whole drum circle's going. It's gonna be a five day par-tay, unh! Max: Well uh, not everybody got invited to a par-tay. Sydney: We're fine, Dad. You're right. It's not like one party is do or die. Olive: Yeah, maybe this is the weekend we get into lanyards. [Sydney looks at Olive worried.] Sydney/Olive: Refresh! Refresh! Refresh! Refresh! [The scene is cut to the Sydney room, where Sydney and Olive are walking back and forth watching their cell phones.] Sydney: Still nothing? Olive: Not even junk mail. At this point I'd be happy if someone sent me a virus. Sydney: I don't get it. Why isn't Laura inviting us? Olive: I laugh at all her lame jokes. (gasping) You think she knows it's my fake laugh? Can you tell me the difference? Fake laugh: (forced laughter). Real laugh: (same laughter). (phone buzzing) Olive: What is it? Sydney: Nothing. Olive: You were just invited, weren't you? Sydney: No. Yes. Olive: Why wasn't I invited? Why me? herself in bed (melodramatic) Why me? (phone buzzing) Olive: Ooo! Got the invite! All good! Sydney: There's gonna be a barbecue? Sydney/Olive: Yes! Sydney: And a DJ. Sydney/Olive: Yes! Sydney: And swimming. Olive: Yes! Why aren't you "Yes"-ing? Sydney: Because Olive, swimming means bathing suits, and bathing suits means showing my legs. Showing my legs means... her one of her legs Olive: Dude, you've got leg hair! You're a woman! When did this happen? Sydney: I don't know. I went to bed every night wishing I'd grow. Guess I should've been more specific... But I can't go to the party with my legs looking like this. It's embarrasing! Olive: It's not that noticeable. Sydney: It looks like my legs have sideburns. Olive, I guess it's time to do what women do-- shave my legs. Olive: This is epic! Sydney: The only problem is the party's in three days, and I don't know how. Olive: Don't look at me. I only have one hair on my leg and I'm pretty sure it's my cat's. [THEME] Young Max: Don't take me seriously. And you know why? Leo: Because of your childlike wonder? Young Max: No! Because I look like a kid. And they look like men. They've got mustaches, sideburns. One of them even has a soul patch. [Leo looks at him surprised] Young Max: I know! I wish I had facial hair. I mean, more facial hair. Leo: Well, I heard if you start shaving, hair will grow in faster. And the more you shave, the thicker it grows. Young Max: Really? Where'd you hear that? Leo: You hear a lot behind this counter, Max. People need to talk. Stevie failed algebra. Larry has a rash. Jason caught his girlfriend at Mr. Potato Skins with his best friend! Now, he's drowning his sorrow in foosball. Jason: I need more, quarters, Leo. Young Max: Sorry, Jason. I'm cutting you off. Jason: Go home to your hamster. leaves Young Max: That's it, Leo. I'm gonna start shaving. And pretty soon... I'll have one of these... Pretty manly, huh? Leo: It's da bomb! (ripping) Young Max: Ow! Leo: Sorry, my dad takes inventory at the end of the day. I can't afford to lose a mustache. Not after that hippo. back to present-day [In the bathroom of Sydney's house, Sydney is preparing things for shaving, Olive is watching videos about it with her cell phone.] Sydney: Okay, I have a pink razor, a purple razor, and an orange razor. Olive: Ooo! I think I found a good video! Sydney: You're right! Look at the way she handles that razor. Olive: She's like the Michelangelo of hair removal. Sydney: She's starting at the ankle. Wow, look how easy she makes it-- (both screaming) Sydney: Turn it off! Turn it off! It's a bloodbath! I'm just gonna go for it. Let's do this thing. [She sits down and goes to shave, while Olive shoots it on video.] Olive: Sydney's rolling up her pant leg. Sydney: What are you doing? Olive: Maybe a video for when the hair fairy pays me a visit. Sydney: Okay, just don't overdo it. Olive: I won't. She reaches for the shaving cream, tearing on the brink of womanhood. Now, she's putting back the shaving cream, placing womanhood on hold. What's going on? Sydney: I want to take one last look at my leg hair. It's been with me through thick and thin. Lately, thick. Olive: Are you stalling? Sydney: Of course I'm stalling! Olive: Sydney, if you don't want to do this-- Sydney: No! No, I want to. I got this. Olive: You got this. (shaving cream gurgles) (anticipatory squealing) Olive: She applies the shaving cream in an upward, downward, no rhyme or reason herky-jerky emotion. Ooo, she's picked up the razor! Be careful. We have achieved shaving! Sydney: You know, this is easier than I thought. Oh, no. It's still here. I've got mutant razor resistant leg hair! Olive: Well, you forgot to take off the safety cover. Sydney: I didn't forget, I just didn't remember. Olive: The safety cover's off. Whenever you're ready. to 1992 [Max is "shaving" a balloon, as he practices.] Young Max: Leo, are you sure this is how they learn to shave in barber school? On balloons? Leo: According to my Uncle Fred. And he was one of the best barbers in Toledo. Until the incident. Young Max: And this is supposed to be me? Leo: Are you kidding? If you committed a crime, this balloon would go to prison. [Judy shows up opening the window to the living room.] Judy: I thought I smelled shaving cream! (sniffs) Judy: And balloons. What is going on in here? Young Max: Mom! What are you doing in home? You're supposed to be at the DMV giving driving tests. Judy: The kid's out in the car. I got a tip you were up to something. Young Max: A tip? From who? Judy: Always assume you're being watched. So what are you jokers doing? Young Max: I'm learning how to shave. Judy: Why? That balloon has more hair on it than you do. Young Max: Because I wanna look like a man! The sooner I shave, the quicker my hair will grow in. Judy: And where did you get a ridiculous idea like that? Leo: I gotta go. to get up from the table, but Max stops him. Judy: I don't want you shaving. You're gonna hurt yourself. Young Max: That's why I'm practicing on a balloon. Judy: And whose crazy idea was that? Leo: I gotta go. to get up from the table, but Max stops him, again Judy: When I get home, I want this all gone. You're too young to shave. (car honking) Judy: Oh, that's gonna cost him. leaves Young Max: Now, where was I before that lady dropped by? Leo: I don't know, maybe your mom's right. Maybe you are too young for this. Young Max: Too young? Trust me. I know what I'm doing. the balloon with the razor. (pop) (gasping) Young Max: Oh, no... My head exploded! back to present-day Olive: Whenever you're ready, Sydney. Whenever... you're.. rrready. Sydney: I'm not ready. I need help. Why do women have to do this, anyway? (knocking) Max: Hey Sydney, everything okay? You guys have been in there a long time! Sydney: Uh, yeah, yeah! Everything's fine, Dad! One second! [She and Olive come out of the bathroom.] Sydney: Max Hello... Max: Sydney, what's goin' on? Olive: You daughter's a woman! Max: What? Sydney: I need to shave my legs. Max: Oh, well, why didn't you come to me? Sydney: Dad, have you ever shaved you legs? Max: Legs, no, although I do shave my face everyday. Sydney: Does your face have bony ankles and wrinkly knees? Max: No, although this granite jaw has some hairpin turns... Come on, there's nothing we haven't been able to figure out before. I'm sure we can find some great videos online. Olive: You don't want to go there, Mr. Reynolds. Not if you ever want to sleep again. Sydney: Dad, I appreciate you wanting to help, but the truth is, right now would be a really good time to have a mom. leaves Olive: If it makes you feel any better, I haven't been tons of help, either. [Later, in the backyard of Sydney's house.] Sydney: Here we are at Laura Wagmeister's party. Wow, doesn't it look awesome? Olive: They kinda cheaped out on the decorations. Sydney: Come on, Olive... Play along. Pretend my backyard's Laura's party. The goal is for me to get from here to the pool without anyone seeing my legs. Olive If you're so self-conscious, why don't you just wear a long skirt until you get in the water? Sydney: Are you crazy? Skirt before pool says, "That's girl's hiding something". Skirt after pool says, "Oh, what a nice skirt!" Olive: Hard to believe you're only a month older than me. Sydney: Just stick close and block my legs. Olive: Got it. Sydney: Just act natural. [Olive walks in a strange way.] Sydney: We're just two fun-loving girls casually walking into a party. Hey, Laura! Thank you so much for inviting us! Olive: What are you doing? Sydney: Saying hello to the host. That's how you get invited back. Olive: Got it! Love your hat! When did the farmer look come back? (laughing) Sydney: And we're walking and we're having fun. Olive, careful! You just stepped in the fire pit! Olive: Oh, right. Ow! Sydney: And we're walking... and we're walking... Olive: Hey, look, they have snow cones! Sydney: Oh, I'm gonna go get one! Olive: Stay in information! You almost had hair exposure! Sydney: So why'd you point out the snow cones? Olive: That was a test. The real party's gonna be full of temptations. You've goat be ready! Sydney: Smart! Hey, look, they're making sand art! Olive: (gasping) I love sand art! leaves Sydney: Olive! at the dolls What are you people looking at? to 1992 [Max was on the phone.] Young Max: Hey, Dad, it's me. Guess what? I need to start shaving. (lowered voice) Although, you could probably already tell that from my voice. So, when you get this message-- (machine beeps) (normal voice) Stupid answering machine. [Judy comes in.] Young Max: Hey, Dad, it's me again. Like I was saying, I need you to visit so you can teach me how to shave. (lowered voice) See you soon. Judy: So you're calling your dad, huh? Young Max: Yeah. Sorry I borrowed your phone. Judy: No problem. That's what 60-foot cords are for. Max, I don't know when your dad's gonna be back. He's living in a new city, and, you know, pilots have no control over their schedules. Young Max: Don't worry. Once he gets my message, he'll be here. Judy: I'm sure he'll try. Max, I didn't realize this shaving thing was so important to you. Young Max: That's because you're not a man-- (clicks tongue) like me. (kiss) Young Max: Mom... My night light? (electronic lullaby plays) Judy: Good night. Young Max: (lowered voice) Good night. back to present-day [Max is making a call to Judy.] Max: Please answer, please answer, please answer. Please answer, please answer, please answer. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. (tablet beeping) (muffled rock music) Judy: Max, is that you? Max: Hi, Mom! Judy: This festival rocks! Max: Listen, I need to talk to you about Sydney. She wants to shave her legs. Judy: Who's Dave? Max: No. Shave. Shave. Judy: You want to shave Dave? Max: I don't want to shave Dave? Judy: Well then, why'd you bring him up? Max: (shouting) There is no Dave! (normal voice) Mom, this is important. Please try and hear me. Judy: Okay, quiet! Yeah? Well then, next time don't stand so close. Go on, Max. Max: Mom, listen carefully. Sydney wants to shave her legs, and I don't know how to help her. She really needs a mom this time, and I am at a loss... I desperately need your help. (silence) Mom? Mom! And the screen froze! Judy: Max, are you there? Max: Mom, what was the last thing you heard me say? Judy: "Mom, listen carefully". (sighing) Judy: Oh, they're gonna drop the beat. Max, I'll call you later. Holla! (sighing) [Sydney and Olive come in.] Olive: Sydney, I'm sorry I abandoned you in the middle of a fake party for someone fake sand art, but you know I'm hooked of crafts. Sydney: That's okay, Olive. I have another plan. Max: Plan for what? Olive: For Laura Wagmeister's pool part. Max: You solved the leg shaving dilemma? Great! What's the plan? Sydney: I'm not going. leaves [At bathroom] Max: She needs a mom to teach her how to shave her legs? Well, she's got one! Here we go! (clears a throat) What's all the fuss about! Piece of cake! Oh, I left the safety guard on. All right. Now we're doing it. I'm just gonna say it now, Max. You're good. And the award for Mother of the Year goes to-- Ow! Oh! Ah! Boy, these pink one are vicious! to 1992 [Judy's riding in a taxi, she's talking.] Judy: How was I supposed to know this shaving thing was so important to him? You think it's easy being a single mother? I try my best, but his dad's hardly in the picture. How am I supposed to be a mother and a father? Sixteen Year Old Boy: I don't know. Are you gonna deduct point? Judy: Keep your eyes on the road. Who taught you how to shave? Sixteen Year Old Boy: My dad... We stood side by side in the mirror... His dad taught him and his dad taught him and-- Judy: Yeah, yeah. I get it. Tons of men. Weaving. Weaving. Stay in your lane. Oh, how many more milestones is Max gonna miss because his dad's not around? Sixteen Year Old Boy: I don't know, six? Judy: For the first time, I feel like I'm failing him. Sixteen Year Old Boy: You're not failing him. You're not failing anybody, right? Judy: We'll see. You talk too much, and you tend to get distracted. back to present-day (knocking) Sydney: Come on, Dad! I need to get in there already! Max: One second! (high-pitch) One second! out of the bathroom Hello. Sydney: It's about time. You were in there, like, forever. Max: No, I wasn't! (bathtub draining) Sydney: Were you taking a bath? You never take baths. Max: Is it crime for a man to want to feel pretty? (sniffing) Sydney: Do I smell lavender bubble bath? Max: No. Lilac lemon. Sydney: Dad, what's going on? Max: Nothing! Sydney: Dad? Max: I was shaving my legs. Sydney: You were what? Max: I wanted to learn so I could teach you. Sydney: Seriously? How'd it go? [Max shows her his legs.] Max: You were right. The knees and ankles are a minefield. I'm sorry I let you down. Sydney: Dad, that's the weirdest, dumbest, sweetest thing you've ever done. Thanks for trying. leaves [Judy comes in.] Max: Mom! What are you doing back? I thought the music festival didn't end for two more days. Judy: It started to rain so they ended it. People go so uptight about a little water and electrical equipment. Lighten up! Max: Well, your timing couldn't better. Actually, it could. One hour earlier and I could've avoided this. his legs Judy: Oh, no. The raccoons are back! [The scene is cut to Sydney's room. Sydney was practicing bass.] (knocking) (light strumming) Judy: Noodle? Sydney: Grandma! What are you doing back? Judy: As my new friend Mystic Badger said, "All trips must end." Sydney: Well, this is great! Now that you're home. I can go to the party! Can you show me how to shave my legs? Judy: You got it. Your dad filled me in. Sydney: Awesome! Judy: But, Syd, can I ask you a question? Why do you want to shave your legs? Sydney: Because that's what all girls do when they get leg hair. Judy: Yeah, but you've never been the kind of girl who cares about what other girls do. Sydney: Well, I've never had hair on my legs before. Judy: I feel you, but you know what? Not all women shave their legs. Sydney: They don't? Judy: Noooo. Trust me, I just came back from a music festival. It was Hairchella. Sydney: Then why do some women do it? Judy: Because they choose to. But you know what? Either way is fine. Sydney: So what should I do? Judy: Well, that is up to you. But if you do decide to do it, it should be because you want to, not because you think you should. Sydney: Wow, Grandma! The festival made you even wiser. Judy: I saw things. Noodle, if you want me to help you shave your legs, I'm happy to do it. I happen to be a pretty awesome teacher. to 1992 [Judy's teaching Max how to shave.] Judy: Safety cover off? Young Max: Check. Safety cover on? Judy: Check. Slowly go down the side of your face, making sure you stay in your lane. When you get to your chin, make a U-turn. [Leo's recording them.] Leo: I'm gonna use this when it's my turn to shave. Just wish there was a way to share this video with people all over the world. Keep dreaming, Leo. back to present-day Max: Come on, Syd! We're gonna be late for the party! Sydney: upstairs Coming! Olive: Did she do it? I'm dying to know! Judy: I'm sorry. I don't shave and tell. Max: Olive, you are just going to have to be patient. Did she do it? Did she do it? Sydney: upstairs Drum roll, please! (rhythmic patting) Sydney: Did she or didn't she? She did... not! Olive: Wow! Why didn't you do it? Sydney: Because I'm not ready to. Just never knew I had a choice. Judy: I am so proud of you! Sydney: Thanks, Grandma. And besides... if my dad was brave enough to shave his legs, I can brave enough not to. Olive: Sydney, you literally make leg hair look cool. her legs Grow! Max: I'm proud of you, too, Syd. You are your own person. Not afraid of what other people think. It took me years to build that kind of confidence. (phone chimes) Sydney: Oh, one of the chaperones for the pool party fell through. They want you to do it, Dad. Max: What? I can't go with legs like these! [Later, in the living room, Judy's drumming.] [Sydney and Olive arrive] Judy How was the party? Sydney: Awesome! They had real snow cones. Olive: And real sand art! I don't have a problem. I can stop whenever I want. Judy: Oh, can I have one? Olive: I can't break up the set! Sydney: And the best part was, not that I would care, but-- nobody paid attention to the hair on my legs. Olive: Yeah, they were too busy looking at-- Max: in Twelve-years-olds can be so cruel! Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts